I was speaking to a friend recently whose daughter is clearly in a domestic violence relationship – what stunned me the most was neither the daughter nor her parents recognised her partner's manipulative ways as abuse. Her response was simple “I have no bruises to hide, and I’m not scared of any kind of physical attack.” She did however, admit that she lives with constant anxiety and dread and has in fact, been held under seige for years.

It made me realise how few people understand what coercive control looks like. Coercive control has been referred to as 'intimate terrorism'. It has been reported that many victim-survivors describe it as the 'worst part' of DV — more impactful and traumatic than physical violence, and more difficult to recover from. The hidden realities of psychological abuse can be incapacitating to victims and make it overwhelmingly difficult for them to leave.

The coercive controller is very clever. 

“For me, it began so slowly. So slowly, subtly. Over the years, individual behaviours quietly accumulated into a campaign of abuse. 

He left to do 'work' the 4 times I was in labour. I was forced to use the kid's bathroom because ours was ‘too small’ for the both of us. He took over my side of the garage, the house had to be ‘perfect’ by the time he got home from work. I had to clean his car to a certain standard every week. He made snide comments about outfits he didn’t want me to wear, so I didn’t wear them. I was unable to visit family and friends because it was inconvenient for him, or he didn’t like them, he controlled the finances, he would check my phone, and he even changed my passwords without my knowledge. He was just taking more and more control as the relationship proceeded. But because it changed so slowly, it just became our new way of functioning. And on the few occasions I challenged him, he had such logical explanations that I accepted it.

The first major explosion where physical violence was threatened was 7 years into our relationship. By then I was so isolated from everyone I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to about it, or go to. By then, I was also a complete shell of my former self, I had zero self worth. No one in my world noticed. Or if they did, they kept quiet. He just did it so well, he isolated, intimidated and ostracised. He also made me think I couldn't live without him, and that I 'needed' him."

This kind of abuse also flourishes because it exists outside the common understanding of domestic violence as black eyes and broken bones. Yet it's frighteningly common. 

Relationships Australia, put together a list of behaviours that exist under coercive control:

Isolating you from your support system. An abusive partner will cut you off from friends and family, or limit your contact with them so you don’t receive the support you need.

Monitoring your activity throughout the day.

Denying you freedom and autonomy. A person exerting coercive control may try to limit your freedom and independence. For example, not allowing you to go to work or school, restricting your access to transportation, stalking your every move when you’re out, taking your phone and changing passwords, etc.

Gaslighting, where the abuser makes you doubt your own truth, experience and sanity, by insisting that they are always right, and instils their narrative of a situation, even if the evidence points against this. Gaslighting in essence, is based on lies and manipulation of the truth.

Name-calling and severe criticism, as well as malicious put-downs which are all extreme forms of bullying.

Limiting access to money and controlling finances. This is a way of restricting your freedom and ability to leave the relationship. Financial abuse is listed above as a specific form of abuse but, within the context of coercive control, financial control is a tactic to keep a person disempowered, by utilising strategies such as:

• placing you on a strict budget that barely covers the essentials such as food or clothes
• limiting your access to bank accounts
• hiding financial resources from you
• preventing you from having a credit card
• rigorously monitoring what you spend.

Reinforcing traditional gender roles and coercing you, as the woman, to take care of all the cleaning, cooking and childcare.

Turning your children against you. If you have children either with the abuser or someone else, they may try to weaponise the children against you by making comments that are critical of you, belittling you in front of the children, or telling them that you’re a bad parent. Sometimes the techniques are very subtle and insidious, involving slow drip-feeding of a narrative that regards you as abnormal.

Controlling aspects of your health and your body. The abuser will monitor and control how much you eat, sleep, exercise, or how much time you spend in the bathroom. They may also control where you go for medical help, and the medications you take.

Making jealous accusations about the time you spend with family or friends, either in person or online, as a way of phasing out all your contact with the external world, except for them.

Regulating your sexual relationship, for example making demands about the amount of times you engage in sex each day or week, and the kinds of activities you perform.

Threatening your children or pets as an extreme form of intimidation. When physical, emotional, or financial threats do not work for the abuser as desired, they may make threats against others such as your loved ones, children and pets, who are also beloved members of the household.

If you feel unsafe right now, call 000 (triple zero).

For 24/7 crisis support, contact:

1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732