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Mon 06 September 2021

Teenage Domestic Violence

Meet Camilla, an extraordinary woman whose story of teenage domestic violence is sadly far too common.

I didn’t know that my teenage relationship would, could or should have been defined as domestic violence.

What started as lustful friendship slowly but ever so surely turned into obsession and control. I didn’t know that boyfriends were not supposed to manipulate you to engage in sex acts. Or that it’s not ok to have someone need to know where you are at ALL times and with who and to be in constant communication when not together. What started as cute gift giving became an apologetic response to bad behaviour that left me frustrated and annoyed, which then turned into arguments about me not being appreciative, and so the cycle continued.

My friends having fun, adventurous, low maintenance relationships that were happy, playful and filled with laughter left me jealous and disappointed that I didn’t have the same. Rather than using this as a genuine reason for leaving the relationship, I ended up being convinced that all relationships are hard work and that people just don’t display that. I was told that my friends relationships would be the same behind closed doors and that it was completely inappropriate to ask them about it or to discuss mine with anyone else. Not only did he convince me that this was the best it was ever going to get, he also routinely reminded me that no one would want such damaged goods and that I was lucky to at least be wanted.

What seemed like a cute infatuation of I love you so much I can’t live without you deteriorated into you are all I have, and I absolutely will not live without you and if you leave I have no need to continue living. Such a heavy weight for a 17 year old to carry on their own. I am still so angry that I didn’t know better.

What makes me so sad now, all these years later, is how I became so complicit in the behaviour, how I allowed myself to be so emotionally manipulated and then, in turn took my anger at the situation out on my family. But what makes me ill, is that their version of events was that I was so besotted and adoring of this person that I always needed to be with him or on my phone. I hate remembering how difficult I would be towards them if I wasn’t able to be in constant contact with him. Oh, how we all look at this differently now with the luxury of hindsight, knowledge and understanding. I wish they knew at the time that my behaviour was out of fear not out of love.

It was only when I went to university 4 hours away that I was afforded physical distance, that the true nature of the relationship and of his behaviour became so obvious and apparent that things started the click for me. He was no longer in close proximity meaning he couldn’t just pop up at my house, school or workplace. It also could no longer be expected that I drop everything and change my plans to be with him when he wanted me to. It was easier for me to blame distance rather than choice that his expectations and demands couldn’t be met. In turn the erratic demands and emotional abuse increased. Even if I wanted to placate that behaviour I couldn’t, distance prevented it, and it ended up saving me. Although, at the time this caused so much stress but in time it was the best thing that could have happened, I got the greatest gift – space, which made way for clarity. The more clear I got, the more obvious the behaviour and patterns were, this increased my frustration which lowered my threshold and tolerance for this crappy behaviour. Physical distance made way for emotional distance and space to come into my own as an individual, so much more than a piece of a pair. The more I created my own life and self-identity the more obvious the toxicity of the relationship became and the more empowered I became.

When I finally did summoned the courage to end the relationship, more issues arose but I pushed ahead in my conviction and the need to simply breathe again. What came as a shock to my family and friends was refreshing and liberating for me. It was only a couple of years later learning about coercive control and the elements of domestic violence that I was able to label my past experiences as well as identifying what I had actually endured and survived because what I now know is that in those moments the odds were stacked firmly against me.

Teenager’s relationships can be of a violent nature – physically, sexually, emotionally and financially – just the same as any other demographic. Young love doesn’t always mean innocent puppy love. We all deserve better – regardless of age, gender or relationship type – no one should be controlled, degraded, limited, sexualised, exploited or manipulated by anyone let alone the people who they are most connected to.

Everyone has their own ah-ha moment that precipitates awareness, or creates an opportunity to change and actively pull away from situations like this. Despite it all, we absolutely can survive these situations, but it does take work. It is a long hard slog to work through the damage done regardless of the type or magnitude of damage.

I have had to work through what I want in my relationships to look like and figure out what my non negotiables are. I also had to re-learn what genuine love and partnerships should look and feel like. I have had to deconstruct my experiences and reconstruct what I need in a relationship and what behaviours I can tolerate and what I should expect for myself. As a result I now cut and run early, maybe not giving people enough chances but I would rather that than accidentally slip back into old toxic relationship dynamics which strangely sit more comfortably and lead to further self-sacrifice. So I need my expectations to be higher; I demand more because I know I am worth more and I absolutely deserve more, as do we all!